Keep Calm and Carry On

...And life continues.

It shouldn't, really. When something huge and tragic happens, it should all just stop. Press pause. Or at least go on in 1/32 speed or something.

But it does go on, and I'm being forced to go on with it.

We still haven't been told anything yet. There are all sorts of rumours flying around campus as to what happened to James, but to be honest I'd rather not believe them.

Rumour 1: He was got very drunk, was sick in his sleep and choked on it.

I don't like this one. There is something so heartbreaking about this. An accident. Something so mind numbingly stupid about the whole thing. If it's true, I just want to get hold of him, shake him back to life and tell him not to be so idiotic.

To be honest with you, this type of scenario is one that has plagued me for years. Which is why when I drink a shitload, I always go to sleep in the Recovery Position. Quirky? Indeed. Effective though.

Rumour 2: It was suicide, complete with pills and everything.

I can't cope with this one. He was my friend and I like to think of myself as quite perceptive - How could he have been this unhappy and not one of us spotted it? Why didn't he talk to us? Why? Why?

And when all is said and done, that is the question that haunts me. Why?

I'm looking at houses tomorrow. It's fairly daunting. I have to be a grown up and live in my own place.

I know I'm in my own place now, but it is owned by the university and I don't have to cope with heating or electricity bills. It's all included in the termly rent.

Right now, after everything, I want to go back home.

I want my mummy.